This past September Charles and I went to the Democratic Republic of The Congo, the largest country in Africa. We spent nearly three weeks visiting people and places that have largely been forgotten, or that most Westerners simply would be unable to get to for lots of reasons.

The trip was personally transformational.  I was expanded, challenged, and stretched in some pretty profound ways.  I truly can say that I am not the same person that I was.  And that’s not being overly dramatic.

Some of you have heard me talk about this trip in person, or you’ve seen pictures and glowing stories on Facebook.  But I also wanted to share the other side of this story. For with growth and movement, there is always a battle.  A personal price to pay.  So this post is the backstory of my trip to Congo.

From The Beginning

This past Spring, I went on a personal silent retreat and during that time I sensed God inviting me to say yes to whatever I could.  In other words, yes to those opportunities that came my way that could bring about good things in the world and that fit with who I am and what I care about.  That broad.

Excited

Summer came and so I said yes to the opportunity to travel to Congo with my husband Charles who was planning for a trip in September.   He travels there regularly with his work in leadership development.  He’s been traveling to Congo for the past three years and we have looked forward to the time when I would be able to go with him on one of these trips.

Now let me be clear.  We try to be wise about big decisions like this, and we don’t make a decision like this lightly or carelessly.  There’s a lot at stake.  We discussed thoroughly what this trip entailed, the risks and possible rewards, and we thoughtfully prayed about it all before committing. In the end, we both had a solid sense of ‘yes’ to me accompanying Charles on this trip.

With all of our kids being in university, the time was here. This seemed right and so good that we could finally take this trip together.  I was excited.

Until I Wasn’t

And then September arrived, the month we were to travel.  I began to feel the fear creeping in, incrementally growing as the days to departure shortened.  (If you wonder why, Google Congo News and you’ll see for yourself).

I tried to be brave and courageous and to remain confident about moving forward with the trip.   Yet I was struggling to not let fear take me out of the game.  I was losing the battle against it.  I couldn’t seem to rid myself of it and my anticipation for this trip was being overtaken by anxiety.   This is not how I wanted it to be.

But Then

One very early morning, maybe a week or so before our departure, I picked up a book, The Last Arrow, that was laying on the table beside our couch for weeks.  I was awake three hours earlier than usual, unable to fall back to sleep. I felt drawn to finally pick this book up and start reading it.  As I began to read, I knew that God was speaking through these words on the page:

You must not allow fear to steal your future, and everyday that you walk this earth you must make sure you save nothing for the next life.  You must never allow fear to keep you grounded.  The moment you play it safe, you’ve lost the game.  Instead of running from your fears, lean into them, for on the other side of them is the future you long for. These moments form character and forge the future.  (Erwin McMannus)

Light Bulb Moment

Oh, ya.  I don’t want to be that person who allows fear to stop me from doing what I believe God is opening up and inviting me into.

These words reminded me that fear almost always stands between where we are and what could be.  This is true for all of us.  We fear failure if we step up in some way, or what people will think of us, or we fear we aren’t good enough, or have what it takes and on and on it goes.

Fear is the result of a natural instinct towards self-preservation, so it makes sense that it rises up when what lies ahead is new, unfamiliar territory.  Fear tries to be our friend by keeping us safe and secure and by assuring that we don’t move out too far.  In fact, if we don’t experience fear at times it may a clue that we’re playing it too safe in life.

This was a key turning point for me.  I decided then and there to do this trip afraid if I must.  Fear is a powerful emotion but it doesn’t mean stop, adjust or abort.  I chose instead the great adventure of being brave and afraid.  At the very same time.

For me, this is what it means to live by faith.  I believe that God invited me into this adventure with him.  But that doesn’t insulate from fear.  It just means that I had to figure out how to hold both together.

Fear Lost The Battle

The fear [mostly] left me once I got on the ground in Congo. But by then I had already gone forward afraid. I had done it.  I mustered up courage, got on the plane and resolved to go forward in spite of the fear.  Once my protective instincts knew they had lost the battle, the fear gave way.

Instead, pure wonder welled up as we traveled through parts of remote Africa that few Westerners ever get to go.  I met people forged into beautiful, joy-filled creations by suffering. My heart was deeply knit to the team that Charles works with.  I was humbled by the generosity and hospitality of friends as well as complete strangers. I re-learned, or learned at a deeper level perhaps, the value of being way out of my comfort zone.

[bctt tweet=”Growth and transformation occur when we step beyond the space of what is comfortable and familiar.” username=”viaMarbleTracy”]

Hard, but good stuff can happen in that space.

I also learned to give up control at a much deeper level.  My 21-year-old son Andre’, who had already experienced extensive travel in Congo a few years ago, sent a message soon after we had arrived in Congo. He wrote:

Remember to focus on what is in front of you and don’t stress about anything ’cause it is out of your control anyways.  Have fun.

As someone who likes to know what’s going on, and what the plan is,  I repeatedly found myself in situations that I didn’t know what was going on or what the plan was.   Along with do it afraid, these words from my son became guiding words throughout the trip. These words helped me to relax and just go with the flow. It was liberating.

Now You Know The Rest Of The Story

Or more of it at least.  There’s so much more that I could say. If you ever need someone to come and talk to your group or church or civic organization, I would love to share more about what I learned through this trip.  What I learned is transerrable to your particular situation perhaps.

Because we all deal with the need to be in control. We all deal with fear.  Fears that keep us playing small, living a life of mere existence.  And we can learn together how to move forward, even when it’s hard.

The truth is that many of us, myself included, would choose our comfort over our destiny and safety over opportunity.  We’d rather settle for less than sacrifice more. We can learn how to not allow fear to stand in between where we are and what could be. Sometimes we just need to talk about this stuff in a judgment-free zone.

So if you made it this far, thank you!  And let me leave you with a thought:

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. (Joseph Campbell)

 

Photo Credit: Photo by Pop & Zebra on Unsplash