My daughter Joelle and I were recently talking about how it feels when it seems someone is against you, or making life difficult for you in some way.

“I think sometimes the difficult people are difficult simply because they need to know that someone notices them, or cares”, I suggested to Joelle. “They really aren’t opposing you personally. Often it’s more about what is going on with them.”

We all have difficult people to deal with at times. The kind of people that we wish would go away.

Dealing with that person

Joelle and I talked about some of the patient’s I’ve taken care of in the hospital in the past. The people that no one wants on their assignment because of how demanding, unable to be pleased,  and simply difficult they are. The patient that staff wants to avoid if at all possible.  The person that lays in his beds, alone, angry, confused and hurting. Pushing people away on one hand, and yet on the other hand constantly on their call light to summon people back in for yet another round of complaints.

Usually, the pain is less physical and more emotional.

It takes an astute person to be able to realize what is truly going on and to be willing to see past the hard exteriors. On more than one occasion, I have seen nurses and others determined to not accept the status quo of avoidance and angry whispers about that patient.  Staff who are willing to go the extra mile, to listen with an attempt to understand what it’s like to be that patient, to show concern, and to not be deterred by angry and hurtful comments from that patient.  

Love Wins

And I can’t tell you how many times I have seen that patient won over.  That patient, that person, that friend, that co-worker, that family member, often just needs to know that someone sees them, cares about them, is trying to understand what it’s like to be them, and to simply be heard.

Of course, this isn’t always the remedy and some people are just toxic no matter what. That’s a different scenario. But I’m guilty of too often not trying hard enough, or assuming that things will never change, and most of all of getting defensive and or reactive.

Living Proactively

I saw a quote on Pinterest that said something like I’m grateful for all of the difficult people in my life because they’ve shown me what I don’t want to become.  That’s so bad.

How can it be healthy to determine who we want to be from a reactive place? Defining who we want to be by what we are not? It’s much healthier and true to define who we are from a proactive position which then says, This is the kind of person I do want to be. 

This is what I believe is true:

[bctt tweet=”I’m grateful for all of the difficult people in my life because they’ve taught me how to be a more loving person.” username=”viaMarbleTracy”]

Food For Thought From Some Wise People

So let me leave you with some quotes that offer some truth in dealing with the difficult people. It’s possible that in changing our responses to them they will go away.  No longer are they the difficult people. But they are the people that are human just like us, in need of love, respect, compassion and to be heard.

 You must look into other people as well as at them.  -Lord Chesterfield

 

There is a grace of kind listening, as well as a grace of kind speaking.  -Frederick William Faber

 

Hear the meaning within the word.  -William Shakespeare

 

And then there is the love for the enemy–love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured’s love for the torturer. This is God’s love. It conquers the world.  -Frederick Buechner

 

Compassion is the sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It’s the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.  -Frederick Buechner

 

Just think how impoverished we would be if we did not have difficult people to learn to love.  We may wish they would just go away, or we can choose to allow them to make us better humans.  I choose the latter.

How about you?  Can you think of someone difficult in your life?  What are you learning about yourself through them?