Our oldest son’s birthday is today.  He’s also away from home, in his first year of college.

As parents, we mark and remember firsts. It’s just what we do.

Firsts

We keep track of the first time our kid rolls over, smiles at us,  takes a step, says anything that resembles the word, mom or dad.  We never forget that first day of kindergarten.  I’m pretty sure that with each of our kids, I cheerfully said good-bye, assured each child that he or she would have a great time at school, all the while holding back the tears that flowed freely as soon as I drove away from the school.

And then there’s the first overnight away, the first prom, and the first day of college.  Did I mention I cried nearly the whole way home after dropping Sylas off at college the first time?  Kindergarten was nothing, looking back.

I’m not sure how I didn’t see this coming, but last week it occurred to me that for the first time ever I wasn’t going to be able to see my own son on his birthday.

This is the same son that I….

held and rocked as a baby, while praying for him to become the person he was put on the earth to be

the same one that I wiped clean the bloody knees, snotty noses, and tear streaked face

sat through hours of cold and windy baseball games to cheer on and encourage through all of the ups and downs

this child of mine that I’ve been front row to watching become the kind of young man that I am so proud of.

Sylas, I couldn’t be more proud of who you are, and who you are becoming.

But back to what I was saying….

When I had mentioned to our firstborn that we would like to drive over to his university and take him out for dinner, his reply was, “Well, I’m pretty busy.  I’m not sure that’s gonna work out for me.”

Gulp. Don’t cry.  Don’t insist that we make a visit. Breath.  Let it go.

I packaged up a gift, and dropped it in the mail instead.

The Inevitable

But then I had to face the reality that this, too, was one of those inevitable first.  Your kids leave home and at some point there’s a first time that you don’t get to be with them on their birthday.  Why didn’t I ever think of this before?  How could I not see this coming?  Why didn’t anyone tell me that this is one of those firsts that is part of being a parent?

I was completely unprepared for the reality that I would not see my son, my own flesh and blood, this person I brought into the world for crying out loud,  on his birthday.

I can be super sentimental and overly dramatic.  Not a good combination. Birthdays have always been a big deal in our family and so this was stacking up to be a hard first for me. Not one of those firsts that gives you the warm, cozy, happy feelings.

And then Sylas called a couple of days ago and said he had time.  After I had made my peace with this unexpected first, he called to say it was working out for him after all.

That was close.  Well, at least I’ll be better prepared for the birthday that will inevitably come when we won’t get to be together.  But this year isn’t that year.  And I couldn’t be happier.